


Forsaken

by likebunnies



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-26 00:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likebunnies/pseuds/likebunnies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the events of 'Repression' only in this story, Janeway failed to prevent her crew from being transported to the planet. They are left behind as Voyager departs with its Maquis crew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forsaken

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Repression, Drive, Lineage, and little stuff from Jeri Taylor's Mosaic.
> 
> This is a 'stuck on a planet with no hopes of getting off' story with a dash of smut thrown in for fun. And a little angst. I kill a few minor people here and there and I make up a person or two. Since this is after 'Drive,' Paris is married in this story. Can't remember when I originally posted this on Jupiter Station eons ago under the name Jolyre but it was before 2001.-- Jori

[](http://s723.photobucket.com/user/like_bunnies/media/forsaken_zpsz6g2bnlf.jpg.html)

*******************

Anyone who had ever suffered a broken heart would recognize the expression on all their faces immediately.

Janeway's slowly changed from dismay to disappointment to a sorrow that was nearly impossible to hide no matter how hard she tried. She stared out over the meager supplies, hands on hips, and she could feel the tension rising through her body. She wanted to say something but was afraid that her voice would betray what she was feeling more than she knew her posture already did.

"They didn't leave us with much," Tom Paris said, his voice hollow as he scanned over the same items Janeway was looking at.

"No, they didn't." Her voice didn't crack and she was glad for it.

"No personal items at all."

She didn't miss the gentle twist of his fingers and the slow glide of his wedding band as Tom made sure it was still there. He stopped as soon as he noticed she was watching him. It was more than most people got out of this ordeal. Then again, on this whole journey, Tom got more out of it than most people.

"We'll make do with what we have until we can work something out," she said, in complete control of her voice now. She had to maintain some sort of command presence even if it was just in front of Paris.

Tom didn't say anything. Just made a soft 'hmmf' noise, pulling items out of the the storage containers. He went to touch his combadge then closed his eyes as he realized it wasn't there anymore. Janeway's was missing, too. She hoped someone had one or it would be difficult to communicate with the native population. If there was a native population.

"Damn. Have you seen Harry around?" he asked Janeway and she changed her focus from the work he was doing to the surrounding region.

"Not since I sent him out to scout the area," she answered. The person responsible for transporting her crew -- and there was no doubt they were solely *her* crew this time -- down to this planet had done a terrible job. They were scattered and she had no idea how they would ever find each other. Maybe they did that on purpose, casting them far so they couldn't team up and get the hell off this planet. She suppressed a laugh. What were they getting off this planet with? They'd be lucky if they didn't all starve.

Tom faced her, and she was sure his expression reflected her own. She also knew whatever was left of her senior staff had to pull it together. This was a Starfleet crew and no matter where they were, they were going to look to them for leadership. It didn't matter if they had a ship or not.

"What are we going to do now, Captain?" he asked, driving her thoughts home. She was the captain and she had better come up with ideas fast.

"Did they give us anything to use as temporary shelter?" she asked.

"Not much," he answered.

"We have no idea how cold it might get here at night or even when it might be night," she said, looking up towards the sky, trying to get her bearings. The shadows around them looked like those on a warm summer afternoon on Earth but she knew better than to try to fit every planet into a Terran pattern. For all they knew, this was winter and summer would be unbearably hot. "And we have no idea when they'll be back for us."

"If they'll even be back."

He looked her way as she tried to give him a reassuring smile. It just wasn't working right at this moment. She wanted to carry on about how she had all the faith in the world that they would be back. That Tuvok would break through this thing controlling them and they would return shortly. She also knew that if anyone was hoping for that more than her, it was Tom, and she didn't need to say the words.

"Then our first order of business will be setting up a base camp on this godforsaken planet until we can find something more permanent. Chances are there's a civilization here somewhere. We've just got to find them," she said.

They continued to watch each other and a furrow in her brow replaced the uneasy smile. She knew the look on his face. He wasn't hiding it very well. If her heart was broken by today's events, his was shattered.

**************

Harry Kim wished he could remember their names. He was positive that at one point, he knew all their names but they just weren't coming to him right now. He also wished the crewmen following behind him came with more experience. He fought the urge to laugh at the thought. They all started on Voyager at the same time. They should now all have the same amount of experience.

He looked over his shoulder at them and doubted many of them had seen all the things he had seen. Seems being the ops officer afforded him 'privileges' the others had not had. Some of them were things he could have gone without experiencing one more time. Like the ship being taken over. Again.

Harry just never imagined it would be done by friends. He let out a soft sigh as they rounded another corner on what seemed to be a path. Captain Janeway sent them out to scout for something . . . anything . . . and that's what he was doing. Hopefully, they wouldn't run into any 'somethings' that were unfriendly.

"Ensign Kim," someone called from behind him. He turned around and was thankful he knew this person's name.

"Yes, Crewman Boyle?" he asked. The crewman pointed in the direction of a valley several kilometers away from them. If he squinted, Harry could make out some buildings.

Now he just hoped those building were inhabited by someone who liked to make friends.

***************

"Thanks," Janeway said as Tom helped her set up the temporary shelter. Night was beginning to fall. He guessed the sidereal day lasted about 36 hours here, favoring more light than dark right now, which was good. Right now they needed all the daylight hours they could get and if it was anything like home, that meant it might be summer here. He would give anything to have Seven and her astrometrics lab transported down with them. Or at least an analysis of this planet before being dumped here.

He wiped his dirty hands on his uniform, knowing full well that a clean one was no where to be found. They would have to find water soon. The emergency supply that was sent with them wouldn't last for long.

Some of the crew sent out to scout the area were beginning to return and Tom instructed them to set up their shelters as quickly as possible. They worked in silent pairs, no one sure of what to say yet. They all looked to the Captain, but she had no plan to offer them. He didn't doubt that she was working on one. He knew her better than that. She just didn't have one at the moment.

Tom looked out over the field that was now their home, wishing that Harry would return with his group. He had some thoughts that he wanted to run by someone and Harry was just the person. Of course, Captain Janeway would probably listen, too, but she looked overwhelmed as it was.

"He'll be back," Janeway said, her eyes scouring the distance for signs of anything.

"Would that be Harry?" he asked. Her eyes came to a full stop at his. "Or would that be Chakotay?"

He couldn't stop himself from saying it. It was just a sudden urge to be insolent that he couldn't hold back. Perhaps because the woman he just married left him behind without so much as a word. But the woman standing in front of him didn't deserve it. Not right now. She lost a hell of a lot today, too. Maybe not a spouse, but everything else that had made up her life for the last several years. All she had left was what he had. The people on the ground with them and the hope that the one's that left them behind would come to their senses before it was too late.

"Harry," she said softly. She looked away from him and towards the tent that would be hers alone. He knew that being captain did have a few privileges. One was no one questioned that she got her own quarters, such that they were. "You'll be sharing a shelter with him, won't you?"

"Yes," Tom answered.

"I know it's not what you've grown accustomed to as far as living arrangements, but at least you've got a friend," she said, her voice growing as hollow as he felt. Was she implying that without Tuvok and Chakotay, she no longer had friends?

"I'm sorry for what I said . . . he will be back. They'll all be back," Tom said, looking toward the ever-darkening sky.

"I hope so. For all our sakes," she said as she disappeared into her shelter.

****************

"Captain, I think you'll want to wake up for this," Tom said, gently pushing aside the entrance to her shelter without looking in.

"I'm not asleep."

She looked up at him as he turned to look in, his face softly illuminated by the glow of the lamp she procured from the supplies. She didn't know why she had it on since she didn't have anything to look at but the walls of her tent. It made her feel like she was doing something besides just sleeping through this.

He crawled in and leaned back on his heels, his hands resting on his knees. They really would need to find other structures soon. There was no way she could have meetings like this. Harry Kim came in behind him, and she sat, cross-legged in front of them, waiting for them to go on.

"We found a village, in a valley several kilometers from here," Harry began, but he didn't look too happy about this information.

"And? Was there anyone living there? Did you make contact?" Janeway sat up a bit straighter, pleased with the news that they might not be alone on this planet.

"It was abandoned. Well, not exactly abandoned. Let's just say I don't want to run into whatever did this to these people without a phaser," Harry answered, looking down at his hands on his lap. "But from what I could tell, it happened a long time ago."

"How about supplies? Was anything left there that we could salvage?" Janeway asked.

"The whole village was left behind, Captain. They weren't a very technologically advanced people, though, but there are dwellings that are inhabitable. And other assorted items," Harry filled in. "I believe it was an agricultural village. Maybe we can find some food items."

"I say we check it out at first light," Tom said before she could say the same thing. They looked at each other and he gave an apologetic shrug.

"Assemble a team and do some investigating in the morning," she added, settling back on her blanket. Her stomach growled and she cast an embarrassed glance at the two men in her shelter.

"Did you eat anything?" Tom asked.

"I'm fine," she answered, avoiding his question entirely. She wasn't in the mood for either of them to start worrying about her. They all had enough to worry about.

"I'm going to get you something. They left us with plenty of emergency rations . . ."

"And this isn't an emergency," she said, her voice stern. Her stomach might be growling but she wasn't sure she could eat anyway. She tried to drink water earlier and had a hard time keeping it down. A purely physical response to having been abandoned.

"Yes, ma'am," Tom said a little too saucily and she wanted to reprimand him but instead she did the next best thing.

"You're both dismissed."

***************

"My God," Janeway said as she looked at a pile of what they could only assume used to be the people who lived here. Harry already saw them yesterday and didn't necessarily want to look again.

"I told you I wouldn't want to run into whatever did that," he said, nodding at what looked like a full-scale carnage of a people.

"Granted, after all this time animals might account for some of this . . . this damage, but still," she said softly, kneeling down to examine it closer.

"We haven't found any traces of animals, Captain," Harry added. "Domesticated or otherwise."

Tom picked up a skull with a very boney forehead and looked at it closely, holding it up in front of an open window.

"The fractures alone would have killed them. I'm not the Doctor, but from what I know, I'd have to say this was done with a heavy, blunt object wielded by someone a lot stronger than these people," he said, gently placing it back down on the pile.

"Think they'll be back?" Harry asked, looking further into the house. Nothing was touched even after all this time. The attack certainly wasn't about taking possession of anything.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Tom answered. He followed Harry and they both took stock of what was left in the various cabinets. It wasn't much but it was more than they had and these dwellings were better than the tiny tents they spent the previous night in. There was enough room for all of them and for the others, if they ever found them.

"We can assume it wasn't the Borg. That slaughter would have been a horrible waste of people," Harry said, watching as the captain followed them into the room.

"Speaking of Borg, anyone know what happened to Seven? Or Icheb?" she asked and both the men looked down at the dirt floor they were standing on.

"When we were being transported off of Voyager, I heard that they planned on keeping all the crew we acquired in the Delta Quadrant since they weren't Starfleet. I think they did it because they knew they'd never get anywhere without Seven's expertise," Tom said and the captain's face fell.

"Or they knew we needed them just as much as they did. How about Neelix?" she asked.

"They kept him, too," Harry added. Janeway moved around the room in silence for a bit longer, carefully picking up the few objects that decorated the sparse environment. "Probably because they knew they'd never be able to run Voyager on the few crew members they had."

"Look at it this way, gentlemen, at least that way there's still someone on board who knows that the Maquis no longer exist in the Alpha Quadrant. Maybe they will be able to get the others to realize it, too," Janeway said, hopefully.

"And until that day comes, we'll just hang out here and try our hands at farming?" Tom asked, his voice not as hopeful.

"You've got a better idea, Lieutenant?" she asked. "Ensign?"

Both of them could only shake their heads 'no.'

************

Kathryn Janeway moved slowly through the house that would never really be hers. She would be living alone here, surrounded by these pale stone walls and windows with no glass, but it wasn't where she belonged. Tattered cloth fluttered in the breeze wherever there was a window and she was thankful for the movement. It made her feel a little less lonely right now.

The buildings were all laid out to catch the breeze and avoid the afternoon sun. Still, it wasn't exactly cool in here. There was a primitive plumbing system that needed help after years of neglect and she already assigned to several crewmen the job of getting the old septic system working again.

She went through the belongings of the people who called this home. There wasn't much left. She was thankful to find some cooler clothing, the formerly white material aged now to an soft ivory. Her fingers brushed across old dresses, still hanging in a closet where their owner had put them, not knowing that she would never wear them again. She thought of the uniforms she had hanging in her quarters. Perhaps Chakotay had taken that over, too, and had done away with everything she owned. It wasn't much but she wished she had it all with her right now.

Janeway yanked off the top of her uniform and discarded the turtleneck on the bed. It was filthy and she hoped they found some running water soon or at least got the well to work. They would all feel better after washing up and getting their uniforms clean. She pulled a shirt she had found over her head and fastened it before realizing it was several sizes too big. It would have to do until they gathered all the clothes they found and distributed them properly.

Harry was out helping the others get the temporary shelters down and packed away in case they needed them again while Tom went about searching for how exactly these people farmed this land. Luckily, Ensign Waters ended up in this group and she had years of experience with airponics. They would have to figure out something soon. The emergency rations would only last so long.

She began to explore the house again, pulling open a large door in what was the kitchen. A small staircase led down and she took it. The room was much cooler than the rest of the house and she wrapped her arms around herself. She looked at the bottles on the shelves, covered with years of dust and grime now.

"The equivalent of an old root cellar," someone said from behind her and she jumped. It was only Tom looking for her, holding a lamp in his hand. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you but you didn't answer when I called from the front door."

"That's okay. What did you and Ensign Waters work out?" she asked, turning to watch him descend the rest of the stairs. The ceiling was low and there were spots where he couldn't stand upright like she could. He set the lamp down in the center of the room and it cast a small circle of light.

"The land that was tilled before has been covered by years of growth now. It's going to take some work to get it back into condition. And we have yet to discover where these people kept their equipment. There's got to be a barn here somewhere, but we can't find it," he said, pulling one of the bottles off the shelf.

"They had to have traded supplies with someone. These clothes came from somewhere," Janeway said, motioning to the shirt she had on. Her uniform looked fresh compared to what Tom was wearing. "I doubt they wove their own cloth and sewed all this by hand. As soon as we get set up here, we should start sending out away teams to explore further out. See what we find."

"Aye, Captain," he said absentmindedly as he continued to examine the bottles.

"What is it, Tom? Something we could use?" she asked, standing next to him. The dank cellar almost smelled worse than they did but not quite. Tom held the bottle up and then pulled of the stopper, sniffing the liquid.

"Need a stiff drink?" he asked, scrunching up his features at the smell.

"Need one . . . or want one?" she asked, taking the bottle from him. She sniffed it, too. It was strong but fruity. And there was a lot of it. The whole wall was lined with bottles of different colored liquids. She imagined that every house could be stocked like this. Well, that would dull the pain of living here, now wouldn't it?

She slid the stopper back in the bottle and carried it upstairs, Tom following her with the lantern.

"I brought you some bottles of water. It isn't much but it should be enough to wash up with. Ensigns Brooks and Culhane are working on the well right now. We should have some sort of water supply soon, but I can't guarantee the quality," he said, following her into the kitchen. The sun was setting again, marking the beginning of their second night on this planet. It cast strong splashes of orange and yellow and pink across the plain walls, adding the only color to this bleached out place.

Janeway picked up a cup that had been packed in with the supplies and held up that and the bottle. "Would you like some?"

Tom looked at her warily. She knew why. They had nothing to examine the liquid with and it could be toxic to their systems for all they knew. "That isn't synthehol, Captain."

"I didn't think it was." She poured some into the cup and took a sip, feeling it warm her all the way down to her stomach. "I'm not suggesting we drink the whole bottle but I don't think a taste will hurt us."

He hesitantly reached for the cup and sniffed it again.

"When did you become so cautious, Tom? Married life do that to you?" she asked with a smile and he smiled back before taking a sip.

"I'm sorry. We were trying . . . we wanted to have a baby. Well, to be more specific, we weren't trying to not have one. We just weren't certain . . . anyway, B'Elanna was watching everything we both ate," he said and her smile vanished.

"I didn't know," she said and he shrugged his shoulders.

"Doesn't matter much now. Unless of course, she is pregnant and we just didn't know it. Then they'll have another little Maquis crew member in a few months," he said with a soft snorting sound followed by a large sip of the wine. He was trying to wash it all away. She knew better than that. The hurts created in the last few days would take a long time to heal.

"Maybe it would be best if she is. That might just shake her out of that 'fugue' they were all in," Janeway said, placing her hand reassuringly on his shoulder. He just nodded. "This isn't her fault, Tom. This is Teero's doing. I only wish . . ."

"Yeah, so do I," he said, stepping away from her and putting down the cup. "Harry and I have taken up residence in the house three doors down from here. If you need anything . . ."

"I'll be fine," she said, holding up her hand. "I've set up a security detail to watch over us all at night and I'm sure nothing will happen. We have a lot to do in the morning so you better get some rest."

"You, too. Goodnight, Captain," he said, leaving her alone with nothing but the evening shadows and a bottle of wine.

****************

"It's wonderful!" she exclaimed, bending down to look at the tiny bit of vegetation poking its head from the ground. "Good job, Ensign Waters."

"Thank you, Captain," the young woman said with a smile. Janeway knew how hard this woman had worked over the last few months trying to get this soil to the point where it would grow something. Beth Waters stood looking proudly over the small field, her formerly brown hair bleached now from her hours in the sun, her tan arms bare in the white dress she wore. She looked to Harry Kim, who was explaining something across the field. "I had help."

Janeway had heard Paris teasing Harry about his relationship with Waters enough to know who her helper was. They would have never had a chance to work together on Voyager and now they seemed to be getting along wonderfully. Maybe something good would come of this yet.

"Just think, a few short years ago we all believed that food came from a replicator," Tom Paris joked, stepping up behind them. He was one of the few who still had on his uniform, having just returned from scouting the area again. He had been gone for days and his face was tan from spending all that time in the sun. His hair was as bleached out as Waters and Janeway realized hers probably looked the same way. She just never thought about it until now.

Janeway gave Waters a touch on her shoulder before she followed Tom away from the area.

"Did you find anything?" she asked, knowing from his face that he hadn't.

"Not a thing. They could be anywhere on this planet, Captain. Across an ocean. Or they could have been transported to one of the poles . . . they could be . . ." He stopped before he said the words they didn't want to hear.

"No, I refuse to believe that," she said, a look of determination crossing her face. "They're out there and we just have to find them."

"I hope you're right," he said. They both stopped walking and turned back toward the field. "But what if they weren't as fortunate as our group? What if they didn't end up with an Ensign Waters or conveniently transported near an abandoned village?"

"It doesn't matter. They're all Starfleet and I believe we can survive most anything," she said. "We don't give up. In all the years we've been out here in the Delta Quadrant we never gave up. We won't give up now."

They stood in silence, watching Harry Kim and Beth Waters laugh about something. Tom looked down at his feet, dragging the toe of his boot through the black dirt.

"I don't know how you do it. Just keep going on when you know they aren't coming back for us. When you know half your crew might be dead out there and there's nothing that any of us can do to save them," he said. She knew these months had been hard on him, without having a ship to pilot. Without having B'Elanna. Without having all the things that had given him an identity he could really enjoy after all these years.

She rocked back and forth a few times, not sure how much she was willing to share with him. If he were Chakotay -- or even Tuvok -- she might have been more willing to talk to him as a confidant. She had always enjoyed talking to Tom. All these years, his wit and sense of humor had made this journey so much easier. Yet, she didn't know what she should share right now. It had nothing to do with him. It had to do with years of being in command.

"I do it because I have to," she answered simply.

**************

Tom stood up on top of the sloping hill, his eyes trying to make out the formation below. It didn't look natural in its surroundings, whatever it was. He'd been by here many times before but never noticed it. Perhaps it was the time of day. The planet's sun was creating shadows around it that brought it to his attention.

He made his way down the hill, sliding through the dirt and grass until he reached the bottom. He dusted off his clothes -- the same white pants and shirt that they all wore now, his uniform tattered from a fall he took several weeks ago.

Tapping what seemed to be the lid to some tunnel or underground shelter, he looked around for a tool to pry it up. His hands were all he had as he began digging around the metallic object. Someone went to a lot of trouble to hide this, whatever it was.

He was finally in the position to pry it open, having loosened the dirt from around it. With a grunt, he managed to break the seal and pull the cover off to the side. As he peered down into the darkness, his eyes growing wide.

"Well, hello there. What have we got here?" he said before jumping down inside.

*************

Tom held his arms up to Janeway and grabbed her by the waist, swinging her down into the dusty hole. He released her once she had a steady footing and her eyes grew wide.

Harry was already ahead of them, taking an inventory of everything. Tom could barely contain his joy as he took Janeway's hand and pulled her further into the subterranean cave. She finally freed her hand, hardly able to keep up with is pace.

"Sorry, Captain, but you've got to see this," he said and she tried to keep up with him, having to take two steps to his every one.

"What could be better than all of this?" she said, looking at the items they were passing by. He had explained to her on the way here that perhaps the people that once lived in their village weren't as technically inept as they had thought but perhaps they were just hiding it from whatever it is that attacked them.

Only they should have hidden the weapons a little closer. This didn't do them much good at all.

"This is what I wanted to show you," he said, pointing towards some old vehicle. It was covered with dust as was most everything they ever found on this planet, but even in its present shape, it still made her gasp. "It isn't going to get us to the Alpha Quadrant but it could make looking for the others easier."

"Can you make it run?" she asked and he chuckled softly. The sound surprised her. It had been so long since she heard him laugh about much of anything. It was nice to hear.

"This is me we're talking about. Of course I can make it run," he said.

"I wonder why they did this . . . hid everything here?" she asked, moving away from Tom and his newest fascination. She pulled some books off a recess drilled into the wall of the cave, curious as to their contents. It had been so long since she held a book in her hand, and she turned it over, examining the spine before cracking open the old pages. They made paper out of something. It certainly wasn't out of wood pulp because that would require wood. This planet was sadly lacking that.

"Maybe we'll never know," Tom said, standing next to her. The books were in all handwritten in a language they wouldn't be able to decipher easily but she continued to flip through the pages. "Or maybe the answer is in there."

"Maybe," she said, putting it back on the shelf in the same spot she pulled it out of.

He went back to the vehicle again, leaving her to wander around and examine all the other items. Harry was far ahead of them and occasionally she could hear him whoop out with laughter over finding something that would make their lives easier. She heard him mention that Beth Waters was going to be thrilled with something and she was relieved that they finally might have found some agricultural equipment.

She was just happy they would be armed in case they were ever attacked as savagely as the people were that lived there before them. She only wished she had Seven here to help enhance all their finds. Janeway sighed, realizing just how much she missed all of those that left them behind. When she mustered up the strength to forget the look on his face as he ordered Tuvok to shoot her, she even missed Chakotay. She just wished they could have all been stronger. She wished she could have convinced them that they were being controlled.

It could be worse and she knew it. They could have been stuck on some blazing hot planet or a frozen wasteland where it would have been an even bigger struggle to remain alive. Or she could have been marooned somewhere without the remaining members of her senior staff. She winced at the thought. Somewhere on this planet, there was at least one group of people who were stranded just like that.

Janeway looked over at Tom. She watched as he ran his hand slowly over the pile of metal he was convinced he could turn into working transportation. He smiled as he opened the hatch to it and she couldn't help but to smile, too. This would be good for him. Something to get him back on track again. Something to remind him of one of the things he loved when he was on Voyager.

His eyes caught her watching him and he smiled even brighter. "As soon as I have this fixed up, we're going to go for a drive," he promised and she laughed.

"I look forward to it, Mr. Paris," she said, leaving him to his work and hoping to find another way out of here beside that hole in the ceiling.

***********

Harry found Beth standing in the field, one hand holding a straw hat someone had fashioned for her while the other hand rested on her belly. She didn't look as enthusiastic as he did right at the moment, but he hoped his story of what they found today would put a smile on her face. Her plants were now waist high, but she still look discouraged. It wasn't as easy as airponics and everybody knew it. She also got to hear complaints about the few food plants that had already ripened. They weren't very tasty and she told Harry she now felt a new sympathy for what Neelix must have gone through.

"They're eating everything," she said, flicking some sort of parasite off of the plant in front of her. "I have nothing to keep them away. There are no birds to keep them at bay and I'm at a loss. And those crops over there? I can't even explain what happened to them. Probably more bugs."

"I think I might be able to help," Harry said, examining the small white creatures.

"What are you going to do? Spend your nights out here with me picking them off? It's a losing battle," she said, pulling the brim of her hat down a little further to shade her face from the warm star glowing above them. This place resembled Earth except for the additional moon and the lack of trees. It was like being stuck on one big grassy expanse with nothing to offer any shade.

"We found some things today, Beth. I think I might be able to do something to chase away the bugs sonically," he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth quickly. Tom hinted at what he had found the night before when he returned but it was better than expected. Tomorrow they were going to return and begin salvaging it all and bringing it back here.

"Was there anything in there that could get us off this planet and headed back towards home?" she asked and he reached out to touch the tiny swell of belly under her hand.

"No," he said. They hadn't told anyone yet but they knew they would have to soon. The Captain would marry them but they weren't sure what difference that would make. They now shared a house, Harry having left Tom their shared residence a few months ago. Tom beamed happily when he told him the news but he knew it hurt him inside. He had no idea what a wedding and baby would do.

"Just as well. It's not so bad here," she said with a sigh. But they both knew they wanted their child to someday see the planet they considered home.

***************

Winter came with a vengeance. They knew that the sunny days couldn't possibly last forever but they didn't expect this. Tom struggled to get down the street to the shelter where he was storing the vehicle. It was all he could do in this weather. No one could go anywhere for fear of freezing or getting lost in the snow.

Tom slid the door open and moved in quickly, not letting any more cold in here than necessary. For a place that got so cold, he had no idea how the people survived in the clothes that had around their houses. They must have had one hell of a metabolic rate. They went back to wearing what was left of their Starfleet uniforms and fashioned jackets out of whatever blankets they could find. But most of all they stayed inside.

He wished Harry was with him to work on this but he refused to leave Beth's side right now. Tom knew that he'd be called upon to deliver the baby, being the closest thing to a doctor that they had. He had been called upon to fix any number of injuries but this would be interesting. He figured he stood there as they got married, he could do this. Yet, every time he thought about their baby he always had to think if somewhere . . .

Tom shook his head before the thought could take hold. He didn't want to know. He would have missed so much of their child's life already and it was just better to think it wasn't even a possibility.

Lighting the lamps that filled the room with a warm yellow glow, he pulled off the cloth he had wrapped around his hands and blew against his cold fingertips, trying to keep warm. It was almost impossible so he did the only thing he could do and ignore the sting of the cold.

Sorting through the tools they had found in the underground storage area, he found what he needed and went to work, not noticing the passage of time as he kept himself busy. His mind would drift to thoughts he'd rather not have but he couldn't stop them. It was hard not to think of B'Elanna. Where she might be. What she might be thinking . . .

"How's it going?" a soft voice asked, pulling him out of his work and his thoughts quickly. He pulled his head out of the engine area and watched as she unwrapped the cloth from around her head and shook the snow off of her long hair.

She came over next to him and sat down on a wobbly stool, and he could feel her eyes on him as he continued to work. He didn't have the focus he had before but he knew she was interested in what he was doing.

"Fairly well," he said, walking to the other side of the vehicle and tinkering with something else. "I don't have all the tools I need and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it would be great to have some Borg input right now, but I think I can salvage it."

"I brought you some tea. It's something Ensign Murphee brewed up . . ."

"So if I start seeing three of you, I'll know why," he finished with a smile. Murphee had been experimenting with what they found locally for months now and once everyone who drank his tea suffered from hallucinations. Luckily, he had been spared from that particular batch.

"If you only see three of me, it will be an improvement from his last attempt," she said and Tom laughed. He enjoyed it when she followed him out here to keep him company. Slowly, she was growing more comfortable with making him a friend and not just a member of the crew. Perhaps she had no choice, after all this time here, but he would rather believe she liked the company as much as he liked hers.

"It will be great to be able to travel again. I hope I can find the others," Tom said, trying to make conversation. To keep her out here.

"Yes, I hope so, too. I'd sleep better at night if I knew that Naomi Wildman was okay. And her mother," Janeway said, her eyes growing dark. He knew she was thinking about the other option to them not being okay. "And everybody else."

"How about those on Voyager?" he asked. They never really talked about it but in the back of their minds, they knew what the consequence would be if they made it home carrying their Maquis banner.

"Of course, Tom. I don't want anything bad to happen to them. I've said it a million times . . . it's . . ."

"Not their fault," he finished for her. She dropped her head and wrapped her arms around her body, hands rubbing her arms in an attempt to warm up. He handed her the blanket he wore out here, placing it over her shoulders. "You shouldn't be out in this weather. It's like Ice Station Zebra out here"

"Ice Station what?" she asked, looking at him with quite a puzzled expression.

"Zebra. It's a twentieth century war movie set in the Arctic Circle. I had it on the agenda for the holodeck cinema before this all happened," he said, motioning to nothing in particular.

"That's one of the things I wanted to talk to about, Tom," she said, pulling the blanket around her tighter. It wasn't enough to keep out the cold air.

"Movies?" he asked, looking over the tools again for the right one.

"No. Twentieth century history. I think it's about time we start writing some of our knowledge down and that's one of the areas I'd like you to cover," she said and he stopped to look at her.

"Who are we writing it down for?"

"We won't live forever," she said and he nodded. "And I doubt that Harry and Beth's will be the last baby. I've noticed that Brooks and Culhane have been spending a lot of time together."

"I didn't know you noticed those kind of things," he said with an easy smile.

"I used to have an entire ship to run with a crew nearing 150. Presently, I watch over a fold of 18 people. I notice things now that I never did before," she said, motioning with her hand like she often did.

"I'll be glad to document what I know. Or what I remember," he said, sitting down across from her on one of the storage containers that was transported down with them.

"I'd like you to document everything you can remember about Voyager, too. I'm asking all the crew to do that. I need you to focus on piloting," she said and he nodded. "And what you might remember about the daily life of the chief engineer."

"Easy enough," he said, though his voice indicated that it perhaps wasn't going to be that easy. They both watched each other.

"When did you take your ring off, Tom?" she asked, nodding at his hand. He stiffened up and stared down at his now bare finger.

"You really are noticing things these days. I took it off when I got an electro-static shock from that thing," he said, nodding at the vehicle. "It didn't feel all that good so I took it off."

"Is that the only reason?" she asked.

"For right now, yes," he answered. He grabbed an old rag and began to wipe the grime from his hands. He tried not to think about whether or not B'Elanna still had hers on. It was probably a question he would never have an answer to and he didn't want to discuss it now. "Do you think they'll actually make it to the Alpha Quadrant?"

"It's a nice thought to have," she said with a sigh. "I'd like to think some of our crew, even if they are Maquis, will make it home. Then I'd like to see them come back for us."

"Yeah," he agreed, picking up the tea she brought out with her. He poured some into the lid of the container, took a sip and then handed it to her. She took a sip and frowned at the bitter taste. His expression now matched hers and he wished he had something to rinse the taste out of his mouth.

"Oh, that's bad," she said, laughing. She put the lid back on and hugged the container close to her body. "But at least it's warm."

**************

Janeway watched the tiny child toddle out the door and down the street, carefully making her way around the few puddles left from the thaw. Spring finally came after a winter that seemed to go on forever, bringing them some much needed relief from the bitter cold. The child fell on her behind and put her arms up, crying for someone. Before Janeway could even get up from where she was sitting, Beth came out to rescue her daughter, dusting her off and wrapping her arms around her until she quieted down.

Watching mother and daughter together, she let her mind play over those what ifs she so often avoided. What if she had stayed with science and not with a career on the command track? What if she and Mark had gotten married sooner and started a family instead of her running around space? Would she be just as happy sitting somewhere in Indiana with people calling her Mom instead of Captain?

Was she happy now? She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to remember Indiana. It wasn't that different from here, really. The ground at home smelled of fertile soil, and there were trees. And rows and rows of corn. She could remember playing in the corn when she was a child. There would never be corn here. Little Wendy Kim would never know what it was like to play in a cornfield and in some small way, Janeway felt that was her own fault.

She opened her eyes when she felt a hand come to rest gently on her shoulder, shaking her slightly. She looked up behind her to find Tom standing there, his eyes focused on something far away.

He had been gone for several days now, along with Harry, finally getting the chance to test the vehicle he had worked on so hard all winter. It was fast, skimming above the surface of the ground at a speed that even surprised her. She had no doubt that he would make the thing fly if he only had the right tools. She had no doubt that he would do just that even without the right tools.

"What did you find?" she asked, turning to face him. "Did you find the others? Are they okay?"

His only reply was a slow shake of his head.

***************

"At least they didn't freeze to death," Tom muttered as he looked down at the scattered bodies of his friends and colleagues. They were partially buried in freshly fallen snow, but they had been dead a lot longer than that, viscously torn apart in some sort of attack.

"That's comforting," Janeway said, her voice caustic and tight. Tom was right. Judging from their condition and location, they were transported here in the fall and made it through the vicious winter chill. Meanwhile, her group landed somewhere in the pleasant spring and had many months of this planet's summer time to acclimate to their surroundings before winter struck. Now winter was returning here again while she was looking forwards to the spring. All the seasons here lasted longer than on Earth so the winter these people endured unprepared . . . she didn't even want to imagine.

The temporary shelters they occupied for so long blew ragged in the breeze. Tattered silver colored material acted as a mirror, reflecting the sun and images of slaughter back towards the heavens as slow falling snow tried to obliterate it out the sight.

Whatever killed the occupants of the village they now called their own had gotten to these people. That meant they were probably still on this planet, somewhere.

"How many did you count?" she asked, hoping this wasn't the remainder of her crew. She wanted to believe that somewhere out there was another group like hers, alive and thriving. Somewhere, people were having babies and growing plants and learning to live a life without Voyager.

"That's everybody," he said quietly.

"Everybody," Janeway echoed back. She knelt down and dug into the snow, her hands growing numb from the cold. She didn't know what she was digging for. Answers, she guessed, for questions she didn't even know how to ask.

"I think our real concern is protecting ourselves from whatever it is that's out there. Harry and I have made a lot of modifications to the weapons we found but we can't be sure if they'll protect us since we don't know what we're up against," Tom said, kneeling down next to her. His fingers began to work on the snow, too, just to have something to do besides cry over this whole thing.

Janeway imagined that the sight of the two of them digging through the fresh snow had an almost childlike quality to it. That is if all the carnage around them could be ignored. She had an urge to brush the snow off of his hair and eyelashes, just to have contact with someone who was alive, but she fought it. She did stop digging long enough to brush it off his shoulders, her fingers shaking from the cold and from the shock of this discovery. He caught her hand in his, warming her chilled skin with a gentle rub.

"This isn't the first trip I wanted to take you on," he said and she tried to smile. She just couldn't.

"Am I kidding myself? Am I the only one who still believes that we're going to be okay and that we're going to get home?" she asked, looking at him squarely. A look of panic spread over Tom's face at the suggestion that she had doubts.

He had to know it by now. He had taken over Chakotay's place as second in command, especially in the absence of Tuvok. Not that they had anything to command, but if anything happened to her, these people would rely on him. She vaguely remembered having a conversation like this before, so many years ago, with Chakotay. She knew the man before her now was going to say the same words that were said to her years ago.

"I'd like to go home again, too," he said and she tilted her head to the side and asked the only question she could.

"Why?" Everyone always had their reasons. To see family. To see the sun set over the ocean again. To find out what happened to their one true love. She always assumed Tom would be happier in space, light years away from his past. He had done well out here and always faced an uncertain future back home. "Why do you want to go home?"

"Because that's what you want," he answered softly, pulling her just a little closer as he continued to rub her hands.

*************

"You came up with that theory all by yourself?" Tom asked, the tone of his voice light and filled with humor.

Harry gave him a sarcastic 'ha ha' and continued to work on the vehicle. It was summer again and the doors to Tom's garage were wide open, allowing any breeze in. Too bad there was no such thing as a breeze on a day like today.

"I believe that they migrated from here to somewhere else to take full advantage of the seasons. Judging from the plant growth, they would have had plenty of time to do it. If you haven't noticed, the growing season doesn't exactly match the seasonal weather pattern. They could plant in late spring, harvest in early autumn and still have time to move, following the growing season. That would explain why they are so unprepared for winter," Harry said, handing Tom the tool he was digging around for.

"Beth helped you with this, didn't she?" Tom asked, still teasing him.

"Yes, Beth helped me on the botany part of it, but the rest . . ."

"So we need to look for where they stayed in the winter. Maybe they have more supplies there," Tom interrupted and Harry smiled.

"Exactly."

"I'll keep looking but so far I haven't found anything. Maybe you and Beth can narrow down how far they could have traveled and still had time for their crops. That would narrow down our search area," Tom said, looking up at Harry. "Maybe we can even find an explanation to what killed these people in the first place."

"From the bit of their writing we could interpret, we've been able to eliminate some of our theories. There wasn't a great revolt against technology. No one came into power who preferred to keep their people in an agricultural state. But we can't figure out who they were trading with, either. I'm assuming they didn't whip up those weapons in the grain shed," Harry said, pausing for a moment. He tapped the metal hull that Tom was working on. "So, are you ever going to name this thing?"

"Maybe I already have," Tom answered, dismissing the question quickly.

Second to spending time with his new family, this is what Harry loved to do best. Bounce ideas off of Tom and try to make everything better around here. He didn't want to accept that he might never get home, but it did help to have started a home here, too. He only wish his friend could do the same and begin to consider this place a temporary home, but he didn't think he'd ever get over B'Elanna and those last events on Voyager.

He watched as Tom made some more adjustments, setting his tools aside when he was content with his work. It was then that Captain Janeway walked by the door, a hat on her head to shade her from the harsh summer sun, her suntanned legs visible under her loose dress. Her hair had grown quite long again and she didn't always keep it neatly tucked up and away anymore. Harry could only guess that she was going to fields to supervise Beth and the others. The Captain was always busy, even without a ship to command. Harry turned to mention something to Tom when he caught him staring after her, a look in his eyes that he hadn't seen in so many years.

"Tom, no . . ." he said with a nervous laugh.

"'Tom, no' what?" he asked, breaking his stare and looking at Harry. His expression was serious despite his friend's half smile.

"She's the Captain . . ."

"Of what?"

"You're still married . . ."

"To whom?" Tom asked with a scoff. He finally looked away from Harry, his eyes going back to the Captain as she walked over a hill and out of sight.

"Don't do anything stupid, Tom. Don't do something you'll regret," Harry pleaded.

"Don't worry. I won't. I wouldn't want anyone else to be happy but you," he said, slamming his hands down on the metal hull he was leaning against.

"That isn't fair and you know it. I watched you and B'Elanna for years and I was happy for you. I'm sorry that she's gone, Tom, but starting something with someone else . . . the Captain . . . isn't going to make it magically feel better," Harry said but he knew Tom was going to do whatever Tom wanted to do. He always did.

"You're missing an important part of the equation here, Harry," Tom said.

"What's that?"

"No matter what I want or how I feel, she's never going to feel the same way," Tom said nodding in the direction of the summer sun.

************

It wasn't going to go faster. There was nothing more he could do to make this thing gain more speed or fly higher or get them the hell off this planet. He leaned back against the only means of transportation they would ever have and sighed, disappointed and slowly accepting the fact that he was going to be grounded for the rest of his life. Closing his eyes, he could remember the feel of flying so well. Time couldn't dim the exhilaration of it. It had dimmed other things. The sound of B'Elanna's voice. Her touch. The fire in her eyes when . . .

"Where were you going to take me?"

She had a habit of doing that, pulling him from some thought just at the moment he was about to give in to the despair and loneliness.

"Excuse me, Captain?" he asked, opening his eyes and blinking hard against the summer sun streaming through the open door. She was standing in the doorway, papers tucked in her arms and it took her a few moments to step into the building.

"Kathryn," she said softly. He cocked his head to the side, wondering why she decided that now. Chakotay had called her that and he was always the closest thing she had to a best friend out here. Or at least a best friend that wasn't all logic.

He wasn't quite able to bring himself to do it, no matter what his feeling for her right at the moment. She didn't know those feelings and he wasn't sure he was ready to let her know. Instead, he nodded at the bundle she was carrying in her arms.

"I'm still not used to writing things that way. I hope you could read it," he said, referring to the 'assignment' she had given for everyone to write down their history.

"I must admit it was actually quite pleasurable getting to know all of you through your handwriting. It's like a little part of you all I never knew before . . . not that I know everything in the first place . . . but what was so commonplace once, just seems so personal now," she said, setting down the papers and putting something down on them so they wouldn't blow away. Not that there was much chance of that happening in this weather.

Some of the crew had refined the paper making process the best they could since the items equivalent to their PADDs were the one thing they could never make work well. They were still working on them, but until then, everyone was writing on paper made from old rags and plant products. Tom didn't miss the irony when he found himself dissecting the reasons for World War I on a piece of paper with red wildflowers strewn through it.

"Just as long as you could read it . . ."

"I could. Made me miss home. Not so much your part about the wars," she said with a smile, "but some of the other stuff. Trees. It made me miss climbing trees."

He stepped away from the vehicle and towards Janeway, stopping a few inches in front of her.

"You wanted to know where I was going to take you?" he asked. Her boots were long gone, always making her so much shorter than everybody. Tom found himself leaning back on a lot of items to make up for the difference but not this time.

"I was always curious. Every time we go out, it's always about work and finding more supplies. Where were you going to take me?" she asked again, tilting her chin up enough to look at him properly.

"How about I show you instead of tell you. What are your plans for this afternoon . . . Kathryn?" he asked and with the use of her first name, she not only tilted her head up but to the side as she considered his offer.

"I was considering giving you more jobs out in the fields but maybe just this once we can go for a joyride," she said with a smirk, standing taller and striking up her most confident pose.

"Aye, Captain," he said with a smile, stepping back and letting her walk on by to the vehicle.

************

"Trees!" Janeway exclaimed, stepping down to the ground and looking all around her. Most of them weren't very large, a majority just saplings fighting for life, but nonetheless, they were trees.

"Beth is trying to get some to grow closer to 'home' but she hasn't had much luck yet. I thought you might enjoy taking a look at what could someday be the only forest on this planet," Tom said as they walked closer to the plants.

"It's beautiful. I'm still puzzled as to what happened to the trees in the first place but I suppose there are some mysteries that will never be answered," she said, reaching out to touch the leaves, deep green in their summer splendor. "Now if we could just get some birds to start singing . . . it would be perfect."

"That is one thing this planet is lacking. Animal life. Just one more mystery for us to solve," he said, following her as she walked farther into the immature arboretum.

"Yes. What I wouldn't do to have the company of a dog when I go on walks," she said turning around and taking a few steps backwards while facing Tom.

"Irish Springer, right?" he asked and she laughed.

"Close. Irish Setter. I wonder if she's still alive, poor thing. One day I dropped her off with the promise I'd be back in a few weeks and here I am, light years away still," she said, turning back around and kicking her feet through the tall grass and the fallen leaves. She sighed as she kept walking. It was quite nice here and a pleasant break from the whitewashed world she had grown accustomed to.

"I'm sure those in charge of my rehab feel the same way. Captain Janeway said she'd be back with him in just a few weeks yet they're still light years away," he said, trying to be funny, and she grew quiet.

"Quite a different life we'd all be leading if we never would have ended up out here so far from home," she said after they walked in silence for several minutes. They were almost to a clearing on the other side of the trees and she was ready to rest. As soon as they were past the trees, she sat down in the cool grass, crossing her legs and getting comfortable. Tom sat next to her and they both watched anything but each other.

"I'd probably be back in jail for one reason or another . . . wait . . . I've been in jail a few times and I didn't even have to be in the Alpha Quadrant," he said. He plucked a long piece of grass and played with it in his fingers. She stopped watching the little spot of nothing she had been staring at and watched him twist the grass around instead.

"When we first got stranded way out here, it seemed like an eternity went by before there was finally a day where I didn't ache desperately to be back home. Now, I ache to be back on Voyager, even if there was a chance we'd never make it home," she said, feeling her voice drop to an unexpected softness, as if she didn't want too many people to hear that. She could feel him look over at her even though she didn't shift her gaze from his fingers. She could feel his eyes upon her face as she began to slowly open up to him. She didn't shift her gaze even when he dropped the blade of grass and reached for her hand.

She wanted to pull her hand away but didn't. Or couldn't. She wasn't quite sure what it was. If she thought human contact was rare when she was on Voyager, she definitely learned she was wrong since she'd been down here, with a mere handful of people to spend time with.

"I wanted you to see the trees," he said, as if that explained everything that was going on between them. He no longer owed her for his freedom or his present life. They had moved past that a while ago. But right at this moment, she owed him for giving her a sense of freedom out here she hadn't felt in a while. It had been so hard since finding all those bodies in the snow. Today was the first day she could shake the sadness even if only for a few minutes. A few minutes out in the sunshine with Tom Paris.

"I'm still Captain," she said, her voice falling even lower as she finally looked at their hands. "And you're still married. I just can't delete her."

"Captain of what? Married to whom?" he asked far too easily and then laughed softly. She didn't know why. "I said those same words just a few days ago."

"Oh?"

"And I was right about the other thing I said. That you wouldn't want this to happen," he said and she finally summoned up the strength to pull her hand away.

"It's far more complicated than what I want and don't want. It always has been," she said. Now it was her turn to pluck out a tall piece of grass and play with it between her fingers.

"Always?"

"Yes. Always. Part of being in command. You must be careful of what you want," she said.

"Stop being in command for just one day."

"Oh, Tom," she said, placing her hand on his shoulder, "even if I could, you couldn't stop being married for just one day."

"She left."

"It's not . . ."

He stood up so quickly that it made her jump.

"It's not her fault? Is that what you were going to say again? She's gone, okay? She couldn't even look at me and remember what we had. What we were. I've learned to live with what happened. You should learn to live with it, too," he said before he stomped off back towards the trees.

****************

"Were you going to leave me here, Mr. Paris?" she asked, the crispness of her voice startling him. She didn't follow him right away, and he had plenty of time to ponder exactly what it was he wanted. The answer he came up with was he still didn't know. He just knew he wanted something. She was always quite something.

"No, Captain," he said, standing up and moving out of the tiny bit of shade the young trees offered.

"What if they came back for us tomorrow? What would you tell her? I've been there, Tom. I know how hard it is to find out the person you thought you'd spend your life with moved on. I'd hate for her . . ." Janeway said, her voice trailing off. He stopped moving.

"You never moved on, did you?" he asked.

"I had to. I had a crew to worry about. A ship to worry about. I was forced to move on."

"That's not what I meant," he continued and she looked down at the ground.

"I know what you meant and there are some things I'm not going to tell you."

The unexpected clap of thunder and flash of lighting behind them made them both jump and look toward the sky darkening in the distance. The clouds were rolling in, heavy with rain begging to make its way to the ground. The area where they lived didn't see summer afternoon showers like this. This storm looked angry, as if they interrupted the forest and now it was going to strike back.

"We better get going," Tom said, reaching out to help her up towards their ride out of here. He caught her hand in his but instead of following, she pulled him to her side.

"No. Wait." She stood her ground and he could feel the air chill in front of the storm. The air smelled as if it had been scorched by the lightning, the scent of ozone filling their nostrils. Ozone and green grass. A summer's day on Earth. Only this wasn't Earth. "At one time this would have terrified me but now it's like a reminder. Isn't it beautiful?"

They were far enough away not to worry yet still enjoy the show of nature playing out in the sky. As light rain began to fall of the edge of the cloud, soaking them quickly, he pulled her into his arms and just held her. She didn't protest and he didn't push.

"It's very beautiful," he said softly, lowering his face to her ear.

"I want to see a storm like this streaming across the plains. I want to see home. I can't let go of that," she whispered, settling back into his arms.

"You don't have to," he said as they watched the gray sky light up around them.

**************

"If the coming winter is anything like the last one, we're in trouble," Janeway said, studying the supplies they had stored up in one of the empty houses. It was enough to survive on but it wasn't going to be comfortable. They had used all the heating supplies left with them off of Voyager during the last winter and this planet didn't exactly come with a stock of readily available fuel.

"There's always the trees," Tom said and Janeway grimaced. She knew if it came down to her crew surviving the cold and a few trees, her crew would win out. She was just hoping . . . she didn't even know what she was hoping for. Some sort of warming miracle.

"I don't want to do that just yet. I think we should explore this migration theory some more. I still find it hard to believe these people lived here through the winters. Tomorrow I want you and Harry to head out on that course he proposed and see what you can find," she said, sitting down on one of the crates marked USS Voyager. It probably contained food now and not whatever it originally housed.

"Harry is in the process of fixing some of that old equipment to help with the harvest this year. It's a lot more than last year," Tom said, sitting beside her. She moved over, offering him more room and they both stared at what few supplies they had.

Janeway wondered how her ship was faring. Had they made more friends than enemies on their journey without her? Did they find enough people to trade with them? She shook her head. That wasn't her concern right now. Right now, she had to provide for the people here.

"Then you and I will go," she said, standing up and placing her hands on her hips. She turned to him, striking a determined pose.

"Yes, ma'am" he said and she smiled.

"We'll start at 0600 and see exactly what we can find. Hopefully, will find some answers about these people and more importantly, a nice winter retreat."

**************

It was cold and damp underneath his blanket and he turned to his side, trying to keep as little of him in contact with the ground as possible. It wasn't helping. This part of the planet was just thawing out and he was sure if he dug through a few inches of topsoil, he'd find the ground still frozen. It was the first night of their travels when it had been this cold. Too cold for sleeping under the stars.

After a few more minutes, Tom gave up on ever getting comfortable and sat up to find that Janeway was already doing the same, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. One of the moons was bright in the sky, casting her into soft shades of blue and gray.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked, combing his fingers through his hair. He gave up on that, too. Three days out here and he could only imagine what he looked like. Then again, she didn't look much better.

"No. I didn't wake you, did I?" she asked, stretching out her legs before pulling them close to her body again.

"No. I was afraid I would freeze to death and you'd be stuck out here," he said.

"What? You don't think I can fly that thing of yours? You underestimate me," she said, giving him a familiar smirk.

"I'd like to think I have some skills that make me irreplaceable," he said, faking hurt in his voice.

"I'm sure you have many." With that, they both fell into an uncomfortable silence. It lasted for a few minutes while they both went about straightening out their blankets and trying to stay warm.

"If we don't find anything today, I doubt we will," he said, finally breaking the silence. He barely got the sentence out before something wet and incredibly cold splashed on his face. "Damn! Doesn't it ever stop? Everywhere we go, it has to rain."

"Back in Indiana, this was called sleet," she said, wrapping herself even tighter in the blanket. "I guess it would have been a good night to put up the shelters."

"I'll do it now," he said. She jumped up to help but they only had time to put up one before it really started to come down. They dove inside, listening to the sound of it pelting against the thin walls. At least it was warmer in here, with the heat of their bodies warming up the structure quickly.

They both were lying down again, facing each other, wrapped up in blankets. "Why do I get the feeling that the people they designed these for were incredibly short," Tom said, trying to get comfortable and failing.

"I've got plenty of room." He knew from the tone of her voice that she wasn't offended but was joking with him. To most of the people under her command, she was bigger than life. Came with the title, he always assumed, just like with his father. Only because of his father, he knew better.

"Sorry, but perhaps that's because you have your feet on my side and what's this?" he asked, grabbing for her hands that were crossing over some imaginary line down the middle. "No wonder you have so much room. You're taking up my half of the tent, too!"

"There are certain privileges that come with rank."

"Such as?"

"The best possible sleeping arrangements," she said, allowing him to pull her closer. His hands remained wrapped around hers and his heart was pounding against his ribcage. He couldn't read her expression in the dark and he was afraid of pushing too far.

"Arrangements like this?" he asked, releasing her hands and wrapping her up in his arms. She moved around until she was comfortable and the blankets were evenly divided up.

"I could throw you out and have the whole shelter to myself," she replied, her voice growing lower and softer. It was starting to grow even warmer in here and he shifted away from her just a little.

"You could. But would that be the best arrangement?"

"Perhaps it would be the smartest one."

"Perhaps. But considering the fact that I haven't slept nor bathed in a few days, I think you can rest assured that you will be perfectly safe in this arrangement," he said. He was growing even sleepier in the warmth. Despite everything else his body might want, it wanted to sleep the most.

She rolled over and eased back in against his body, curving into his shape. He kept an arm wrapped around her, fingers splayed out over her abdomen and before they could say or do another thing, they both drifted off to sleep.

***************

"Damn."

She hated not being able to tap her badge, call a name and have them answer. She'd have to do it the old fashioned way.

"Tom?" she called out and got no answer.

They found what they could assume was the winter residence of their predecessors. It would take far more research to verify that, but for right now, she was quite pleased. Harry Kim was going to be pleased, too. She was also happy that they found water and she could clean the grime from their journey off.

Janeway stepped out of the house she they used to clean up in and walked down the street, still looking for Tom. He was restless to explore the area again and only her order to rest for a few hours made him do so. Now he was off again. Missing, actually.

She walked down the dusty street, looking into the buildings they hadn't explored yet. It was always exciting, making a new discovery and it came at the perfect time. This way, they could avoid any discussion of last night or how she woke up this morning, her body wrapped neatly around his. She closed her eyes, not exactly wanting to remember how wonderful it felt. But it had.

"Damn," she muttered again, opening her eyes and shaking the memory away. She turned down a long, dusty street they had yet to explore and faced the largest structure here set off in the distance. It was far bigger than any of the buildings in their own little village and looked like some sort of barn. It was the only place he could be.

She slid the large door open and entered, finding Tom standing in the center of the structure. A beam of light shone through the roof and he was standing in the center of it, staring up. Dust swirled in the light, moving around him. She didn't say a word. He didn't look at her.

"Sometimes I feel as if these people were as transplanted to this world as we are," he says, tipping his face out of the light. "They have nothing personal. No signs of their faith. What they might have believed in. It's as if they were just dropped off and they scratched together an existence."

"If we disappeared and someone came after us, what would they say we believed in?" she asked, stepping even closer to him. He finally turned to look at her, his pupils still narrow from staring into the light.

"I'm not really sure. They could say we believed in exploring the world around us. That we believed in finding answers." He rattled off a few answers with a shrug of his shoulders. "That we didn't give up easily despite everything."

He turned again and faced the sun, blinking at the bright light.

"I have a confession to make," she said but he didn't look at her. Didn't move at all. She stepped into the beam of light and enjoyed being bathed in its warmth. "To get involved would be declaring that I gave up. I promised myself that I wouldn't get involved like this with my crew. I was . . . am their Captain and I just can't do it. Not as long as we were trying to get home. I'm still trying to get us home."

"How is that going?" he asked, not trying to hide the bite behind his words. She wasn't going to let him get the best of her.

"Better than I expected the day I was transported down here with the clothes on my back and a few necessities," she said, stiffening her composure. "We have transportation now. Weapons. A place to live."

"We could be here for a long time and I'm not sure I can make a holoemitter out of the few supplies we have. It could get lonely."

She backed up a few steps, moving out of the light. Moving away from him.

"That was uncalled for."

"And I didn't mean anything by it. It's just when are you going to accept the fact that we aren't exactly your crew anymore?" he asked with a sigh.

"What is this? A mutiny?"

"No."

"I'm still responsible for your life. You're still my crew," she answered, placing her hands on her hips and facing off with him. "I can't believe I'm even discussing this with you. You ought to understand that I can't just turn it off, this responsibility of mine."

"Do you wish you could?" he asked. She looked him up and down, trying hard to remember what he looked like all those years ago when she retrieved him from the prison colony. Younger. They all looked younger. Not as settled. She remembered him giving her some come on line with 'I'm yours' and she was sure he expected that to work. It probably never failed for him before.

"I wish I could more than anything." The words came from her mouth before she could stop them.

Now she faced someone so different than that 'kid' she picked up in New Zealand. Someone mature enough to maintain a relationship during what couldn't possibly be considered the best of circumstances. Someone who survived losing that relationship just a short time later. Someone like . . . her?

No. Couldn't be.

She put out her hand and he stepped out of the dusty sunlight, wrapping his fingers around hers.

"Not in here," she said, her voice so low that she wasn't even sure she uttered the words. The look on his face told her otherwise. "I'm still the Captain no matter what you say. No matter what we do. I'm still responsible for you."

"And I'm responsible for you."

******************

"You're so quiet, Kathryn," he said, running his thumb up the length of her jaw and then moving on to brush across her lips. She had hardly said a word after they moved out of the barn and back down that road, finally returning to the house they were in earlier. Finally finding a bed. Finally finding something more.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to do better," she said, feigning her all too serious face for him. She moved under the blankets, finding the warmth of his body and wrapping her legs between his.

"That was actually pretty good," he said, propping himself up and looking down at her.

"Good, Lieutenant?" she asked, thankful she could suppress her smile just a bit longer and rattle him just a little with the use of his rank. Thankful that this was all as much fun as she remembered. She missed the fun most of all.

"Uh . . . well . . . much more than just good. Great, actually. Perfect," he said, fumbling with his words. That made her smile. She touched the back of his head and pulled him down into a kiss. A long, wonderful kiss made up of soft smacking noises and a battle over whose nose got to go where.

His hand slid down her body, brushing over her breasts and circling her nipples. She pressed against his touch, enjoying it far too much for something she knew probably couldn't go on past this moment. It would be too impossible to carry on like this when they got back. It shouldn't be happening now.

He parted her thighs and his hand moved lower, fingers brushing against her warmth. She closed her eyes and just enjoyed the feel of his touch. The same touch that used to fly her ship before someone she trusted more than anything ran off with it. That was the only reason this was happening. She had nothing to be the captain of and Tom had nothing to fly. Both of them grounded with only each other.

Janeway started to feel that familiar tightening in her abdomen but she didn't want it to end like this just yet. She reached for his hands and moved him until he was on his back, looking up at her with eyes dancing with anticipation.

"It's cold," she said, leaning closer to his body as she let him slip into her. He sucked in a quick breath of air at the sensation of being inside her again as she tightened her muscles, holding on to him.

"It won't be cold for long," he whispered and they continued to move together.

****************

"They better get back soon," Harry said, looking to Culhane with worried eyes. "We need Tom. Maybe he'll know what to do."

They watched Murphee struggle with the restraints they put on him, fighting so hard he was cutting into his arms without noticing. He had grown increasingly violent and no one had any answers.

Harry glanced at the door and saw Beth standing there with their daughter in her arms, the little girl clutching on to her mother with all her strength. He motioned for her to leave but instead, she handed the child to another crew member and came into the room.

"He was working on something to do with those trees Tom found. I was helping him," she said, looking down at the man. His eyes were wild and it frightened all of them. They had no idea where this came from or how to help.

"Do you know what it was?" Culhane asked.

"Yes. He was trying to make something out of their root system. He was always doing that. Always using the various byproducts of everything," she answered, crossing her arms in front of her nervously.

"They'll be back soon. Until then, he's just going to have to hold on," Harry said, his voice filled with doubt.

****************

Tom stayed there in the darkness, listening to the soft sounds of her breathing, feeling the weight of her hand on his chest. She was sleeping comfortably. He wasn't.

He had never expected this to happen so he never gave much thought to afterward. Now that's all he could think about. Slipping out of under the blankets, he got dressed and went to the other room, not wanting to disturb her rest.

Sitting on the ledge of a window, he looked up towards the stars and wondered the same thing he always did when he took the time to stare towards space. Would he ever be free from this planet? How far had Voyager made it without them? What he would say to B'Elanna if he ever saw her again? That last question just got a little more difficult to answer.

"You know I don't expect you to forget her, right?"

She startled him and pulled his thoughts back from the stars to this little house.

"Right now, I just feel . . ."

"Guilty?" she asked, sliding in next to him on the ledge. She was wrapped in all the blankets and yet was still shivering. He took a moment to consider the question.

"I feel as if my loyalties are divided."

"Don't . . ." she started to say, but he silenced her by pulling her close.

"It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with you but in the end, it's something I have to work out," he said, feeling her body form to his. She was so different than B'Elanna. Not as volatile and so much more sure of herself. Always in command.

"Since we aren't sleeping anyway, should we start back? I'm sure Harry is going to want to hear all about this place," Janeway said, changing the subject with ease.

"All about this place?" he asked, smiling again.

"Maybe he doesn't need to know everything,"

*****************

"What happened here?" Janeway asked, her eyes trying to take in the bloody mess. Tom rushed past her but it was already too late. Murphee was already dead. The rest of the crew looked stunned when they arrived back in town and they knew something horrible happened immediately.

"He did this to himself?" Tom asked, examining his wounds. He found it hard to believe that a man as small as Murphee was capable of doing this much damage, especially to himself. His eyes searched over all the other crew and they all nodded in affirmation.

"We think he ingested something . . ." Harry started to say, but they hadn't proven that theory yet. All they did was try to keep him alive.

"And it didn't agree with him?" Tom finished as he began to clean up what was left of the body.

"Do you know what it was? Obviously we have to avoid it," Janeway said, looking to Beth. "Do you know what he was working on? Did anyone search his quarters?"

"We found several plants but nothing I recognized. He was working with the trees but I don't know what he was doing. He was always exploring. Always experimenting."

"Let's go look again," she said, leading the way out of the room. Harry remained with Tom as he tried to figure out how this could happen.

"Where were you for so long? We could have really used you here," Harry said, his tone sharp as he gave Tom an accusatory glance. He looked exhausted from this ordeal, leaning back against the wall.

Tom didn't answer right away. He went about his work while his friend watched. "We found your migratory route. And another village. If we move soon, we can avoid winter."

"When did you find it?" Harry asked. Tom motioned him over to help. At least that way he wouldn't be staring at him with unsettling eyes. He wasn't going to allow himself to feel guilty now after avoiding it all day. There was too much to do.

"Yesterday in one of the areas you calculated it might be. There isn't much more there than in this village but at least we can get out of the cold."

"They didn't have any equipment there? Anything hidden underground?" Harry asked. They had just finished covering up what was left of the body and they both took a step back.

"I hope this isn't airborne," Tom commented, wishing they had at least spared one medical tricorder when they ditched them here. "If it's from the trees, that would explain why there are no trees on this planet."

"You didn't answer my question."

"No. We didn't find anything. Or at least we didn't find anything yet. We weren't there for very long and we were exhausted and cold by the time we got there. It's still cold there," Tom said, wiping his hands on a rag. He had to be more careful until they figured out what this was.

"I bet it was."

That was enough for him.

"What's your problem?" he asked, his tone blunt. He was tired and now with this latest development, he didn't want to dance around whatever it was Harry thought he knew.

"I have no problems."

"Good. Except for this, I have none either."

*****************

"We can't lose anymore people," Janeway said, hands planted firmly on hips. She stood over the grounds where they laid to rest the remains of the people who had died before they ever got here and the crewman they lost yesterday.

"No, we can't," Tom said, wanting to pull her closer to him but knowing she would object. She had not let him get close since they left the other village and he was sure after this, she probably never would. It happened while they were away together and he knew exactly what she was thinking. It's her job to protect her people and he knew she felt like she had failed. Not only had she failed, but she did so while she was spending the night with him. He knew what guilt could do to her and he didn't want to allow her to be swallowed up into that quagmire again.

"At least we have an explanation for what happened to the people before us. They turned on themselves," she said, though the explanation didn't make either of them feel better. If it could happen to those people on such a large scale, it could happen to them.

"We've come up with the theory that after it began, they hid their weapons and supplies to protect them from . . . themselves. It's the only thing that makes any sense," he said. He sat down on the small rock wall that surrounded the tiny field and she did the same.

"We need to move away from here before anyone else comes into contact with whatever it was. How soon can we get the supplies packed up and ready to go?" she asked, sounding like the Captain again and not the person he spent the night with. And the tone of her voice made him sound like nothing more than her first officer.

"I believe we can have everything packed up and ready to go in the next day or two. Maybe three," he said and saw a small flicker of a smile cross her face.

"What would Tuvok say about your precise timeframe?"

"I wish he were here to tell me," Tom said with a sigh. She turned to face him yet maintained her distance.

"Tom, if you're going to get involved with someone, I think it should be someone you can start a family with. We can't lose anymore people and we haven't exactly had a booming population growth around here. This . . . this thing between us, it's a waste of a resource . . ."

"Resource? I've never heard it called that before," he interrupted, his voice not hiding any of the hurt that caused. "Besides, as far as a family goes . . ."

She gave him a silencing glare before he could continue. "I can't. That responsibility on top off all the others . . . I can't."

He took her hand in his and felt her try to pull away. He didn't let go and she stopped resisting.

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked. He caught her glancing around to see if there was anyone watching them. There was no one.

"I'm afraid of losing sight of our objective. That if I get wrapped up in something else, I'll forget about getting us home," she said he just sighed. It was always going to be the same thing. Over and over, always the same damn thing. "It would be so easy to get wrapped up in this, Tom. So very easy."

Her voice was so low and so soft that it sent a sudden rush of warmth traveling through his body. She never said a lot when they were in bed together, but when she did, her voice sounded just like that.

"Look what happened when I got distracted for just one night." She nodded toward the ground before them, and the freshly overturned soil.

"This had nothing to do with us. Even if we hadn't . . . he still would have died."

"I know that but it's still hard to accept. You might have been able to help. I might have been able to help. We might have had the answer to keep him alive."

He let go of her hand and slid off the wall, standing before her. She had to tilt her chin up to see him, her mouth pouting just a little, and that just meant he had to fight another urge.

"But you can't stop living," Tom said and she considered him closely.

"I never have."

*************

There were weeks she tried to stop living but would only let herself go so far towards that goal. When the pain of being stuck here seemingly forever would become too much, she would seek him out. She would pretend to be alive in the arms of Tom Paris. Today was one of those days.

He rocked into her, pressing her against the wall of the barn, her arms wrapped tight around his neck, legs wrapped around his waist. She could see on his face how hard he was straining to maintain control. And she knew he was losing.

"I'm getting . . . too old for this," he said, his breath ragged between words. "I wish . . ."

"What?" she asked after he stopped talking and started moving into her again in such a comfortable rhythm.

"I wish this would have happened back when I was . . . I don't know . . . eighteen?"

She laughed. "What would I have been doing with you as an eighteen year old?"

"This," he said, rocking into her body even harder. Janeway swore she could feel every nuance of the wall behind her. Her whole body was awake and alive and ready to feel everything. She swiveled her hips under his motions, finding the right spot. Her body was more than ready for the stimulation and she was so close that the sensation was lost somewhere between pleasure and pain. It didn't take much longer until she was coming, her arms wrapping even tighter around him, her nails digging into his flesh.

He quickly followed her, his hips losing their rhythm as he went over the edge. Their bodies were covered in a slick layer of sweat, making them as sticky as the humid night air. He slid out of her and she gasped at the loss of contact. She always hated the emptiness that followed. It always reminded her that this could only fill the void for so long. When it was over, she still had let so many people down.

Deaths that they couldn't account for. No chance to ever make it home. Not much of a future in the home they had. It all started to add up and take its toll.

"Stop it," he whispered into her ear as he set her down gently. His arms remained wrapped around her, holding her close. She could feel his heartbeat racing still in his chest.

"Stop what?"

"There was a time when the things that have happened here wouldn't have stopped you for even a minute but now it stops you for days. No one saw you all last week. Not even me," he said, and she tensed up in his arms.

"We have to find a way out of here. How is that beacon working out?" she said, shifting back to business before the sweat could even dry from their bodies.

"It's going. I don't know who it's calling for, though. Hell, it could be the Borg but I guess assimilation would be preferable than this. Right, Captain?" he asked and she drew away from him, their bodies unsticking as she moved. "At least we'd be off this planet and heading towards home."

"Stop it."

"Then be happy. For one damn day, be happy."

"I am happy. How about you? Always trying to make that thing fly higher and faster. Are you telling me that's happiness?" she said, her voice sharp as she gathered her clothes and started pulling them back on. There wasn't much. It was so hot outside. Just enough to cover her as she worked around the village.

"You and I are the same," he said, followed by his usual scoffing sound.

"How's that?" She watched him pull on his pants, fastening them before anyone could come out here and discover what they had done.

"We were never meant to be tied to a planet. As much as we ever talk about getting back to Earth, the sad thing is, neither of us would have been happy staying there."

Janeway watched him walk away, pulling on his shirt on his way, giving her one more glance as he walked out the door. The worst part was she knew he was right.

*************

Their arguments would only stop her from coming to him for a few days. Maybe a week or two at most. Eventually Tom would hear his door open in the darkness and he would smile. He knew it wasn't the sex. She showed up many times where all they did was stay in bed together, hardly touching except for a leg crossed over the other. He never was really certain why she came to him. He didn't want the answers if it meant she wouldn't come again.

She slid into his bed, naked, and this time, her hands sought out his and she held them tight.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, as she rolled next to his body. He wrapped an arm around her, his hands brushing across her breasts as he pulled her near. His knees curved into the back of hers and he knew she had to feel the erection that was now pressing against her.

"Nothing's wrong." She didn't have to explain her actions. He knew she wouldn't.

He rocked his hips against her and she rocked back. Slowly, his hand moved lower until it was captured between her thighs and stoking her gently. She made a soft gasp but that was all. Always quiet. A few words here. A few words there. As if she was hiding something.

"Please," she said, rolling from under his touch until she was on her knees, face pressed into his pillow, offering herself up to him.

Hands wrapped around her narrow hips, he slid into her and pulled her to him. Pushing as far as he could go, he heard a muffled moan of pleasure rise out of her throat. He heard it even through the pillow. Her hand went between her legs, touching herself, as he slammed into her. He couldn't control his hips. There was no other word to describe it but slam.

She arched her back even more and he went deeper. So deep he felt he was getting lost. So deep that it forced her to make throaty noises with each stroke. And then she tightened around him as her orgasm swept through her. He could feel her hold him in and release and it was enough to topple him over the edge.

With one more hard thrust, he was there, releasing everything into her body. He knew his fingers were digging in too hard and he hoped he wasn't hurting her but he couldn't let go. He was afraid to let go.

They collapsed together on the bed, all fast breathing and racing hearts, as he tried to stop the room from spinning out of control.

"I am happy, right here with you," she whispered when he rolled to the side, freeing her.

"You lie," he said, laughing, because he knew her so much better than that.

"Okay. How about this. For right now, I'm happy right here with you."

"I'll take it," he said, holding her tight as they drifted off to sleep.

**************

"The intruder alarm? Which alarm?" she asked again, watching as Harry Kim fumbled to come up with an answer.

"The west perimeter. It's the first time that one has ever been set off," he answered, looking at his makeshift ops station. One console tucked away in a shed was all it was. From there they made sure the beacon was still working and checked on their three alarms.

"Tom, you're with me," she called, picking up one of their few weapons. He opened his mouth to protest her coming along but she silenced him with a glare.

"Aye, Captain," he answered.

They moved quickly through the fields, searching for the tripped alarm and for the person or thing that tripped it. It didn't take long.

They ducked behind some rocks after catching sight of them moving through their fields, hidden in the tall late summer crops. When they finally entered the clearing, Tom looked around the rocks and slipped back behind them. The expression on his face made Janeway grab for him, wanting to know why he looked as if he were about to be sick.

"He's . . .one of ours," Tom said, his voice cracking on the last words.

She closed her eyes, trying to think of what to say next. There was nothing to say. Her stomach turned as she slowly stood up and faced the people before her.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway?" one of them, a man, called out. She could only nod as she struggled to say something.

He walked towards them, wearing a Starfleet uniform they had never seen before. He was so clean and manicured and she combed her hand through her hair which must be wild by now. She looked to Tom. He no longer wore his hair to match Starfleet protocol and in the clothes they were both wearing, they must be quite a sight.

"I'm . . . Kathryn . . . Captain Janeway," she said, holding out her hand to him. He grasped it firmly and let go before looking at Tom.

"And Tom Paris?"

"Yes," he answered with a quick nod.

The man was Tom's height but with dark hair and black eyes that twinkled. His turtleneck was red while some of the others were in gold and blue. "I'm Captain Elias Matary of the USS Velocity. We've come a long way to find you."

*************

Janeway was unsure at first, not trusting of her own eyes. It was only when they put the PADD in her hand with a letter from home on it that she let go of her doubts. Tears began to sting in her eyes as she read the words from her sister. That's when she noticed all the PADDs with letters for people who didn't survive. She set hers down, finding it unfair that she got this while so many others didn't.

She watched as they handed Tom one. He held it in his hands for only a second before dropping it to the floor. Everyone turned to him, but he looked at no one as he walked out of the door.

"Excuse me," Janeway said to Matary. He merely nodded as she walked past him and picked up the PADD from the ground. With one quick glance, she knew why he left. And she knew she had to follow him.

She found him in the same place she found him so long ago. Standing in the dust-streaked beam of light coming through the barn. She stood beside him and handed him the PADD again.

"She's beautiful, Tom," Janeway said, nodding at the picture. There was only one person she could be, the tiny girl with her mother's features sitting on the lap of Admiral Owen Paris.

"I should have known."

"How were you supposed to know?" she asked, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"Until they handed that to me, there was the possibility that I didn't have to go back. I had a choice. Now I don't have a choice. I have to go," he said, looking at the picture again and smiling.

"What about . . . how is B'Elanna?" she asked, trying to make the words flow smoothly but they just wouldn't.

"In prison along with the other Maquis. For mutiny and a lot of other charges."

Janeway swallowed hard. She didn't get far enough through her letters to find out who exactly that meant. She imagined Chakotay would be in prison, too and she wondered how Seven faired on the journey.

"According to Matary, we can be home in less than a year, Tom. They found a spatial anomaly less than three months after abandoning us here. It's stable and it's our way home. You can be with your daughter soon. She needs you," she said and he turned to her. The light played across his features and a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"In all this time . . . you never . . ." he started to ask, placing a hand on her abdomen.

"Mind over matter, I suppose. I really don't know why not, Tom. It wasn't like we tried to prevent anything," she said with a sigh. It was something that just was never going to be.

"Until her mother is freed, she's going to need a strong female influence in her life. Second to B'Elanna, you're the most strong-willed woman I know," he said and somehow she ended with his arms wrapped around her.

"And when she does get out? What then?"

"I don't really know. My father says he's working on their freedom but it isn't going so well. Once you get there and let them know everything, I'm sure that will change. We don't have to make any decisions right way, I imagine."

"We have time. I want to study this planet with their equipment first. I want to understand why those people died. I want to understand where they came from. And . . ." she started to say and then found herself laughing. "And I'm not quite ready to leave just yet."

"But that's all you ever wanted. To get back home. To be a Starfleet captain. To find out what ever happened to Neelix and Seven," he said, leaning down to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Maybe now I want more."

She sighed, knowing that it was too late.

****************

Tom stared at the results and ran them one more time through Velocity's computer. The answer was the same as it was the first time. He shook his head at how simple it was. How utterly logical. He laughed at that thought as he continued to consider how they missed it. He should have figured it out a long time ago but so many other things were clouding his thoughts. Being here forever. What he lost without B'Elanna. What he found in Kathryn.

"Here's another analysis of the sample," a young ensign said, handing him a different PADD followed by another. "And a translation of those books. Captain Janeway was asking for them but I believe she's on the planet's surface."

"Thanks."

"I worked with your father," he added quickly and Tom looked up from the data at the man. "Actually, I didn't work with him. I worked in the Pathfinder lab on the project to find your ship. I worked with Lt. Barclay. After Voyager returned, your Borg friend came to work with us on finding you. That's how I ended up on this mission, because I worked there. She wanted to come but they thought it would be better if she remained there, working on other projects."

"Hmm . . ."

"But your father would come in often to see about our progress."

Tom didn't know what to say so he just nodded. It was always slightly uncomfortable, knowing his father differently than the other people around him. Knowing they saw him in a different light.

"The last time he checked on the status of our project, he had a little girl with him. Your daughter, I suppose, though she looks nothing like you."

Tom swallowed hard and looked down at the PADD. It was unfair that this man had seen his daughter before he even knew about her. Unfair that she had to go live with people other than her parents. That she didn't even get to know her parents. After the initial shock wore off of finding out about her, the pain began to set in. He missed so much time.

"I suppose," he managed to say, struggling to maintain a look of composure on his face.

"I remember him telling her that we were trying hard to find her daddy. I'm not sure she understood it all but she appeared to be a pretty bright little girl. And quick. She tried to take our lab apart," the man said with a smile and Tom was torn between wanting to know more and wishing he would stop. Tom wished he could think of something intelligent to say but he couldn't. "Anyway, she seemed to have her grandfather wrapped around her little finger."

Tom huffed, not even able to fathom that *his* child could have that effect on his father. He wondered why and how it all came about but no one sent that information in a letter from home. He'd just have to wait until he got there to find out.

"That's nice to know."

"I just wanted to tell you that," the ensign said.

"Thank you," Tom said again, looking into the man's eyes. It was still so unfair. Tom could live with the lost years spent on Voyager because it was better than his life before and he didn't even mind the time spent on this planet with Kathryn. But after finding out about his daughter, he began to worry about making up for lost time. He couldn't believe he could love someone he never met so much that it almost made leaving someone else he loved bearable. Almost. But not quite. It was still going to be hard and he knew there was no way to change that. He couldn't have it all and he knew it. She would never allow it.

************

"It was in the trees."

All this time they had done this to each other, just show up without announcing their presence, but this time she heard him coming. The house was empty now, as was the village. In that quiet emptiness, she could sense that he was here, back from the ship.

"The trees?" she asked, turning to look at him, all cleaned up and back in uniform, as was she. Her hair was tucked neatly away and his was trimmed to match regulations. Everything was different now, nearly back to the way it used to be. Except for the tan skin and bleached out hair they both had, no one would know any different.

Yet, somehow having those pips back on her collar changed the way he treated her and she wasn't so sure she liked it. She never imagined she'd miss what they had so much but it was starting already. A slow, painful ache of separation was taking hold in her gut even though he was right here.

"The pathogen was in the root system of the trees. That's why there are so few trees here. The former occupants of this planet figured it out and tried to destroy what ever forests were here but they did it too late. If it's ingested, it will kill you. Murphee was experimenting with the roots," he said, going to stand beside her. She was in the second village they found, in the house where they spent most of their time together. Her few personal items were already packed so there was no reason to be here. Janeway just felt a need to see it again before Velocity took them all back to the Alpha Quadrant tomorrow.

"And when we moved the trees closer to us, it was only a matter of time before any one of us stumbled across it. But how come it didn't kill all of us? One would think it would have spread to the other vegetation. To our gardens," she asked. Janeway walked away from him and looked into the closet. The clothes that she had worn for so long while she was here hung in there again, a reminder of two groups of people who lived here. She now had her uniform again and had no need for other people's garments.

"We haven't answered that question yet. Perhaps we had a resistance to it. Perhaps it could only thrive in the trees."

"Or we just got lucky?" she asked, her hand brushing across the light fabric and then moving to the heavy cloth of her own uniform. "We got lucky and the others didn't."

"They weren't from here. It seems they were dissidents, settling this planet in an attempt to find a home. Some peace from the prosecution they were under on their home world. They didn't share the same religious beliefs as the others on their homeworld. Actually, they didn't believe in much of anything except survival," he said. Janeway knew they would be able to translate the writings of these people easily and it would answer a lot of their questions. Yet, living how they lived brought her more closer to them than any writing ever could. She thought about all the nights she would be awake, trying to figure out what those that came before them were like, always knowing that what she made up might be better than what they were.

"And this was their home. And it was our home. Yours . . . and mine," she said, her voice so soft she wasn't sure he heard her.

He didn't say anything for a long while. Just stood there, nearly at attention, his posture so different now than he was just a few days ago. Maybe it was the uniforms that did it, both his and hers. They made it difficult to be comfortable, especially after all these months of wearing light garments.

"Yes, it was," he finally said, moving in behind her. She wanted to feel him touch her again, for his arms to wrap around her waist like they would have last week, but he didn't make a move. Everything was different now. Starfleet was waiting for her return. A little girl was waiting for his. And that child's mother was alive and well though incarcerated for the time being. And she was still his wife. She closed her eyes and sighed, knowing he would have to tell B'Elanna. She hated the thought of being part of a conversation she wouldn't be privy to. That something so personal would have to be shared with another.

"You seem more content about going home now," she said, leaning back enough to feel his warmth. Thankfully, his hands went up to her shoulders, resting there and holding her up at the same time. "Though one would think you would be happier up on the Velocity, enjoying the holodecks. Learning how to pilot the newest and fastest ship in Starfleet. That is what I thought you would be doing."

"I'll have plenty of time for those things but I want to be here now. This was our home. I'll miss it, you know." Those were the words she needed to hear. She wasn't the only one crazy enough to miss this place though she knew it wasn't the place so much as the person. "But it doesn't have to end."

With that she stepped away from him, her hands on her hips as she moved toward the open window. His arms dropped to his side and he looked defeated and lost.

"But it does," she responded without giving all the reasons that he already knew.

"Not while we're off that ship, it doesn't. Screw the damn uniforms, Kathryn. I feel the same about you today as I did last week. Since that ship got here, I've tried to be what you want me to be again . . . the lieutenant under your command. The former pilot of your former ship. A respectable bridge officer without a bridge. But it has all changed now," he said, his tone forceful enough to make her turn around. Had anyone heard them, they would have to wonder why she wasn't dressing him down about insubordination.

Then again, maybe they all knew why by now. She was certain her people that lived down here for so long knew even if they never said a word. Surely Tom would have said something to Harry Kim by now. Not that he would brag about it, about getting and keeping the Captain in his bed, but the two of them were close. Another conversation about her she would never be privy to.

She almost laughed at herself, all worried now about Starfleet protocol when this whole time they had been doing what they wanted to do. It went beyond basic survival and she knew it. They didn't need to couple up to survive. It just happened and now it had to be stopped.

She stared at him, his expression nearly as heartbroken now as it was when they first got here. Only this time, it was over her and not someone else. There was no way to make it stop hurting. There was only a way to postpone all the pain.

"Come here," she said and he tilted his head, looking surprised at the change of direction in conversation. And he did just what she asked, coming closer and folding her up in his arms. "It isn't going to be easy, you know. Whatever happens."

"I've never been one to pick the easy road," he said, kissing the top of her head. "Look at my life. I was thrown out of Starfleet. Put in prison. I fell for a stubborn Klingon only to lose her right after we got married and then I fell in love with the Captain. But I'm lucky. It all works out in the end. If I hadn't screwed up so badly my first time in Starfleet, I would have never met you."

"Or B'Elanna."

They both fell silent at the mention of her name. She knew Tom was uncertain about his future with her yet. She knew only he would be able to reconcile all these feelings he had for both of them and she would have to accept whatever happened.

"Yeah. But she's not here and you are," he whispered, his hands moving to the fasteners of her uniform. She eased back into him, closing her eyes and imagining that they weren't back in these uniforms again. "You didn't leave me behind."

"It wasn't her fault . . ." she said again but he silenced her with a kiss. She didn't want to talk about her either, but it couldn't be put off forever. Maybe for a few hours but not forever.

His hands finished with her uniform jacket, shoving it off her shoulders quickly. It was soon followed by her shirt and as soon as he had access to her breasts, he stopped what he was doing to her mouth and moved his tongue down lower, swirling across her nipples. Her hands held his head in place as she silently hoped no one else showed up here. They needed this time together and she didn't want anything to spoil it.

He stood upright again, standing so much taller than her even though she now had on boots again. That didn't last very long, though, and soon enough she was standing naked before him while he remained completely in uniform. She studied his eyes, trying to ascertain whether he got a special kick out of that but they gave away nothing. Janeway fought the urge to cross her arms over her body. He had seen her like this so many times but it was never like this. Never while he was wearing a reminder of what they started out as.

She closed the distance between them, her body rubbing against the crisp material of his uniform. She could feel his erection against her belly through the fabric and she knew he didn't have as much control of this situation as he pretended to have. She forced them to move slowly backwards, towards the bed they had shared so many times before. His knees bumped the edge and he went down. So did she, but she went down on her knees between his thighs.

Her fingers worked on the fasteners of his pants and he made a soft whimper when she freed him. That was followed by a moan when she took him into her mouth, gliding her tongue around him. He grew harder under the workings of her tongue, his fingers loosening her hair and letting it fall down her shoulders again. She knew what he was doing.

She let him out of her mouth and leaned back, looking up at him. His hands slipped from her hair and rested on his knees while his eyes looked at her pleadingly. He wanted her out of the Starfleet uniform. Wanted no reminder that they were going to be on a ship where he was going to have to call her captain for several months.

"Please . . ." he said, his voice so filled with need. Not just for sex but for her.

"Yes," she said, standing up and pulling him off the bed. Now she took his uniform off, discarding it with hers, and as soon as she was done, they tumbled back into bed together. They were a tangle of arms and legs and wants and needs and she welcomed his mouth upon hers. His tongue pressed past her lips and swept through her mouth. She wanted this. Even if this was the last time, she wanted it.

She ended up under him as he slipped inside her, moving slowly, comfortably. They had been here so many times before and were so familiar with each other now that she almost convinced herself there was nothing wrong with this. Nothing at all.

Janeway closed her eyes and turned her face away from all his kisses. She wanted this to last. For a second she wished that damn starship would just go away, leaving them here. But that wasn't going to happen.

"Kathryn," he whispered and she turned to him, looking up into his eyes. She smiled and put her hand on his cheek as he continued to move in and out of her body.

"I don't know how to end this . . ." she said and thankfully, he didn't stop moving because of her words.

"Then don't."

"It's not that easy."

"It's so very easy . . ." he said, thrusting into her harder, filling her more.

She began to move against him, trying to memorize the feel of his skin upon hers. The weight of him over her. The warmth of the friction inside. She didn't want to forget him. Forget this.

He shifted his weight so his hands were free to hold on to hers, gripping them tightly as he came closer to the edge. She didn't think she could. Couldn't relax enough for that to happen. It didn't matter to her right now.

But it seemed to matter to him. He released one of her hands and pushed it down between them, wanting her to touch herself. She did, matching the pace of her fingers to that of his thrusts, her eyes not coming off of his.

His hips lost their steady rhythm and his movements became more erratic. She hoped he didn't close his eyes. She wanted to remember that, too. To see that look move across his face one more time.

He moaned something and fell forwards against her, releasing everything into her body. He gasped for air as his body spasmed, all the while she tightened her muscles around him, drawing it out for him.

Then her body followed, even though she thought it wouldn't happen. A wave of pleasure washed over her and she found it as hard to breathe as he did. Neither of them made a sound beyond the little gasps for air, him breathing out as she breathed in.

Their bodies finally stilled but he didn't move off or out of her. Instead, he propped himself up and stroked her long hair, brushing aside the sweaty tendrils now stuck to her face. She would have to fix it before they went back up to the Velocity. Fix it and put that uniform back on again.

"You aren't captain of this ship, you know. I don't think there would be a problem . . ."

"Tom," she said softly, putting her fingers up over his lips to quiet him. "Let's not worry about it now."

"When can I worry about it?"

"When we get home. After you figure out what it is you want at home," she said, sliding her fingers across his lips. His tongue darted out to brush against them and she smiled. He was incorrigible.

"You think I'm going to stop wanting you?" he asked and she turned her face away from him again.

"There's someone waiting for you there."

"We don't know that yet."

"That's right. That's why I said don't worry about it yet," she said, her voice more forceful than a few seconds ago.

"Aye, Captain," he said, sliding away from her.

"I - I'm sorry. Let's just wait and see, okay?"

He rolled onto his back, his hands tucked behind his head as he stared at the pale ceiling.

"You can't run away from this anymore."

"I didn't know I ever ran away."

"And you can't use getting home or your command as an excuse. If it was a valid excuse you wouldn't be in this bed with me now," he said.

"I know," she said, placing her hand on his chest, feeling his heart racing under her palm.

Neither of them said a word. They watched as the shadows moved across the wall, knowing that they had a deadline. The ship was leaving at 0600 and this was the last night they had here on what had been their home.

"We have to do a few things before we go," he said, breaking their silence.

"What?" she asked.

"We need to send a team down to take care of the trees in case anyone else ends up here," he said, looking towards the window.

"Yes, we do. What else do we need to do?" she asked and he sat up next to her.

"Come with me," he said and they both got dressed in silence.

*************

Only a small group of people transported down and they stood around the field with the proper look of sadness and respect on their faces. What was left of the Voyager's Starfleet crew stood off to the side, not yet ready to share this loss with the newcomers.

As the hour grew closer for them to leave this place, Tom noticed that Kathryn was growing more excited. It hurt a little but he understood her impatience to get home. There were things she had to do there, as the Captain of the wayward Voyager. First on her list was to prove Tuvok's innocence in the mutiny of the starship. He overheard her talking about it eagerly with Captain Matary last evening. She looked so happy to finally be able to discuss these things with another Starfleet captain. Someone equal to her in rank, but not experience. No, there wasn't another Starfleet captain out there who had gone through what she endured. It made Tom smile, knowing that despite the fact that Matary and the Velocity would physically get them home, it was Janeway who really got them there.

She had so many plans. She was going to work on freeing the rest of the Maquis crew. B'Elanna might be freed soon. He wasn't sure what he was going to tell her about this. He knew he had to but didn't know how. He didn't feel guilty. He didn't know what he felt about it just yet but it was no longer guilt. Maybe just sadness and loss. That was it. Sadness for what could have been. For something he couldn't capture again.

Captain Janeway called for the group to gather closer together and Tom carefully stood opposite of her even though he wanted to be by her side. He knew what was expected of him now.

"As much as we all gained on this planet," she started, her eyes moving from Harry Kim and his family over to Tom. They didn't stay on him long but he continued to watch her. "We must not forget what we lost. We lost friends. Loved ones. Companions. But what we didn't lose was our desire to get home."

She looked down at the ground before looking back up again. This time her eyes met Tom's and she didn't look away.

"Although this place was, well, I won't go as far as saying it was a nice stop on the journey, it was our home for a while. Yet I firmly believe that we belong at home on Earth. We won't forget the people who perished before we could get all the way home. And no matter what happens once we get home, I will never forget what happened here. How we came together and did more than just survive but came together and made this place... home."

She smiled and Tom couldn't help but to smile back. 

"Now it's time to leave this place behind and finish our journey," she said, dismissing the group. People began to move around and away from her. Many just needed a few more minutes to remember, Tom included.

"Captain," he said as she stood next to him. The memory was still so fresh. Finding those people out in this field, dead already. Her hands digging through the fresh snow, trying to find a clue to what happened. The people who perished here had to have wandered far to stumble upon the trees but they were already weakened from the cold and they were starving. Starving enough to consume some part of those trees. It didn't take much for the virus to sweep through the population and without medical aid, they were doomed. It could have been them instead. He often thought that perhaps if just one of the senior bridge crew was transported with the other group, they might have made it. Or if the Captain had been. Then they surely would have made it.

"Mr. Paris," she said, her tone still serious. "Are you ready to go home?"

"Remember what I said once?" he asked, turning to her. He didn't care what these people might think now. It wasn't any of their business.

"That you wanted to go home because I did?" she said, reaching out and putting her hand on his shoulder. He closed his eyes at the touch, knowing that might be all he would ever feel of her again. A hand on his shoulder. Just this afternoon they were lovers, in bed together and now it was just a hand on his shoulder.

"If you want to go home, then so do I," he whispered, opening his eyes to look at her again. "No matter what happens. I want it."

"Then let's get out of here," she said, pulling her hand away. He watched her walk away towards the transport site, where the others were gathering.

And then he followed her, just like he knew he would.

 

The End

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Nine Disciples](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858119) by [stryker13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stryker13/pseuds/stryker13)




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